The Littlest Thing

My radio silence is inexcusable, and yet comes with a reason. I was recently faced with a heavy life decision of breaking off from my old job of three years and accepting a new position. I accepted this new position, but that's not what drives me to write this sunny and white Sunday morning.

It's the hardest thing to admit that you're wrong.

I was wrong in how I approach my life decisions; not only this one, but the ones before it. When I attended Grace College we had three or four motivational speakers there every week. One of them, whom I'll never recall their name, spoke this wisdom;

'Whatever you do, show the world how a Christian would do it.'

A Christian prays and pours over their Bible for the words of leading that God has for them. A Christian takes stock in the in the presence of their Heavenly Father, listening for what He has to say. Not just pausing for a few seconds when they suddenly remember, 'Oh yeah, I want God to help me out with this.'

I wasn't leaving God out of the equation... I just wasn't making Him the first component in weighing my options and life direction. But even admitting that isn't the bottom line here. I was in tears one night, my heart breaking at the realization of how I'd put God in the back seat. To which my mom said a familiar line to me;

'Honey, you are being way too hard on yourself.'

She's right (ugh, that hurts to admit too!). Me over reacting is a part of my biological make-up. Her words however, stuck with me long after my tears dried. The reason I had been crying so hard in the first place is because I felt like I was screwing up my most important relationship. This is the Holy Savior, Jesus Christ, who bled out so we'd be rescued from the same pain in Hell. Losing the chance to give Him my best- crops, effort, prayers, whatever- is something that scares me the most.

Everyone knows that one person. The one you walk on egg shells around because the slightest disturbance will set them off. Maybe I'm one of those people... I have a stopwatch to make sure people arrive on time, I slump into a corner if I'm unable to keep my word, and anyone with half a brain cell won't think of touching me when I'm in the kitchen! And if someone dog ears a book page... oh boy!!!!!!!

But now I think there's an upside to such high-strung drive.

In terms of recognizing that I need Jesus because I will never be perfect enough for Heaven, I want the littlest things to bug me. I want the kinks in God's and my relationship to hit me in the face. In the end, it does two things for me. I humbles me with the memory of my imperfection. And it also drives me to do better, BE better for my God. To treat Him the way He ought to be treated; in complete awe and devotion.

I want to be on high-alert for God. He's brought me so far already, and still has many miles to take me. In that journey, I only want to be aware, alert, and attentive to how I can grow in Him. If stressing over the little things will help me do that, then bring it on!